I have been wanting to write for so long now. But, there
never seems to be time. Never time to sit a moment and process…what it means to
be a VP, what it means to be a mother, what it means to be this new person
playing so many roles at once. And so, I feel a little rusty, as I sit here
with my computer on my lap, trying to squeeze in a quick entry on my metro ride
home.
Mark had a brilliant idea several months ago. Each of us
would get one night a week to do whatever we wanted to do and the other person
would put Ellie to bed. And tonight is my night. I did something with it that I
haven’t done in what feels like a long time, but that has always brought me
such happiness: I played softball. I got one hit, made one or two plays at
third base, but overall it wasn’t my best game. (I am 2 years out of practice,
after all.) Yet, it felt so good to just be that old self yet again…free,
fearless, with as much time in the world as I needed. So, even though it was
cold, windy and rainy; even though we lost by at least 8 runs; even though I
didn’t get to see my sweet baby girl tonight, I feel good.
It’s not easy having to make these choices. Do I stay at
work and get even a fraction of my to do list done, or do I go home and have
dinner with my family and then stay up late? Do I wake up early to work more on
the grant, even though I’ll have only had 4 or 5 hours of sleep, or do I cancel
a much needed meeting? (Because not doing the grant isn’t an option.) Do I go
to my women’s group from church and have some desperately needed prayer and
fellowship time in order to regroup spiritually, or do I nurse my daughter to
sleep? Do I sneak in a work out for my physical/emotional health, or do I pay
the bills? (for my financial health;)
It’s so difficult to figure out these choices most days. The
days fly by. I’ve chosen to devote my time at home to Ellie and Mark. When I
walk in the door, I try desperately to leave it all behind. I want to be
present to them. I want to gaze into my daughters’ eyes and catch the small
details of her growing up and know her on this cellular level. I don’t want to
be distracted. But, it means giving up so much else…like cooking, cleaning,
meditating, journaling, guitar playing, mowing the lawn, watering the flowers,
cleaning out the fridge, doing the laundry, going through the mail or sitting
down for a moment to ask myself, ‘what just happened today?’ I have to learn at
the speed of light. I can’t sit around and focus on how I’m feeling about
something that didn’t go my way. I have to let go, let go, let go.
In certain ways, this is a good thing. It means cutting out
all of the dead branches in my life. It means only holding onto the parts
that are blooming. Right now, that means my daughter. It means my husband. It
means my family and closest friends. It means this job and important
opportunity at Women Thrive. And it means my church, prayer and spiritual life. If
I can accomplish that - if I can stay focused on what is really important and let
go of everything else; if I can give myself grace, allow myself to make
mistakes, grow, be human - it will be enough. Here's my prayer to God and the universe to help me accomplish this: I believe. Help my
unbelief.